The folks at the Memory Care Facility said that one of the benefits of my LO being there, is that most likely our relationship would change, for the better, because I would no longer have the role of the caregiver and I could go back to being a spouse.
The “thing” I missed the most during this journey, was losing our intimacy. She was so angry at me 99% of the time; there was no communicating; there was no closeness, ( physical or emotional). All there was, was verbal abuse, threats of divorce and impeding physical violence. I have a pretty “thick skin”, especially since I knew that it wasn’t her but this dreaded disease talking; but all of that did take a toll. Our relationship changed. I was a caregiver, NOT a partner, a spouse, or even a friend.
And now, just like they said, my LO wants me as a partner, spouse and cetainly as a friend. So, why am I not jumping with joy??? A fellow traveler on this unsolicted journey put words to my feelings: “I feel like a parent taking care of a child”. I love her and will always take care of her, but there is no romance left.
Should I feel guilty? Should I try harder? Will it come back? Should I pretend? ( for her sake I certainly will pretend). There is no “HOW OR WHAT TO FEEL” book !! And everyone has an opinion!
So……, all I can do is express/share my thoughts and feelings and pray.
Pray for strength, guidance and love.
6 thoughts on “Intimacy…..”
There is the way you feel and then the way you think you should feel. For me there is a yawning gap between the two that I too fill with prayer and work while trying to suffocate the guilt. Thank you for being real!
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No advice. Just sending love and prayers for Divine Guidance. Ms. Coleman
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The thing is, once you’ve been a caregiver in a serious manner you cannot unsee or unfeel your new perspective. I’ve actually been wondering and hopeing you’ve been managing to not hear the mean voices, I used to hear, in my, and perhaps in your head. Things are where they are, I’m certain the love is there, it’s just morphed. Lots of love in my heart for you both. Kim
Thanks so much. It means a lot coming from someone who has been there.