Wizard of Alz blog

There was a “goof-up” from the Dr.’s office in getting the report to the DMV; I had to call after 6 weeks of feverishly checking the mailbox, to no avail.  They hadn’t sent it in! Once I was sure it was faxed in, it was another 4 weeks before the “you have to re-test” letter came. She bought my answer to her question: “Why did I get this? Did you get you too?” I said ,”maybe it’s because of the social security disability you’re on?” Her response: “OK.” Now, another letter from the DMV has come that gives her an actual date and time to go in. The letter clearly states she will have to take the written test and potentially the driving test. I don’t think she fully understands that and/or the ramifications, and I’m not going to be the “bad guy”; I get that enough already!

Some insight into Her Alzheimer’s World: Today we went for an MRI, ordered by her primary Dr. to “rule/out” any real cause of her “pain“.  After all it is the “Pain” that is causing her “fuzziness”. After answering her question as to why and what and where we were going several times, she said with relief ,”as long as were not going to see “that Lady!” (referring to the neurologist). She couldn’t recall any details only that the last time we saw her, (4 months ago), it was awful! Then she started to make up a story of the last visit, which had no resemblance to the actual truth. The gist is that “she” was trying to make her do something she didn’t want to!  She remembered that “feeling” and made up a story to match that feeling. As I wrote about that visit in this blog, you might recall that the neurologist more directly mentioned Alzheimer’s and the potential benefits of her participation in a clinical study. To which my LO gave her a 30 minute tirade expressing she does NOT have Alzheimer’s or dementia! She is just in “Pain!” “And if you had the kind of pain I do you would be “fuzzy” too!”

Feelings and emotions are very powerful and she doesn’t easily forget them. I am acutely aware of this since, every time she gets angry with me about…. “squeezing the toothpaste in the middle” (fill in the blank-trivial annoyance), I hear about every thing I have done that makes her angry and disappointed and it always ends with: “I don’t need you and I can divorce you and put you out in the street!”,….. if I don’t behave! This should be my clue to “create” more positive, loving “feelings”. Maybe then she’ll “remember” that I am on her side and that I love and will protect her to the end. It’s sometimes very hard to do that amidst “everything” else I have to do.

Most of the time I can deal with the words, (I call them- “Alzheimer’s words”), but sometimes it just gets to me and I feel the weight of Alzheimer’s on my chest and no matter the number of heavy sighs, it doesn’t abate.. Sometimes only a good cry can diminish it.  (That’s not easy either- topic for another post). Praying for strength to get thru another day helps.

It’s very difficult to describe if you haven’t lived it. Suffice to say I hope you never do!