Let me start off by saying I will sharing about a couple of topics that make some folks uncomfortable; I’m sorry about that, they make me uncomfortable too!
The latest rant started last night around 2:00 am. I had been gone all day (work, then Prayer Circle for some good friends), got home around 10:00pm and decided to spend some quality TV time with my LO. (“Orange is the Black” season 4 is here!) It was a very pleasant evening and I can say that we really enjoyed each others company. I got it in my head that maybe, just maybe she might be interested in a little more fun! (It’s been a long time and I really miss being intimate with my spouse.) I did my very best; I was sweet, gentle, loving…. you know all the right stuff. But she turned me down. Well… I’ve never been detoured by a single “NO”. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t pushy, I was just checking to make sure she really meant No Go.
Hind sight is 20/20: After she said she did not feel like it, mostly because of the “pain”,I said “OK, I understand” (very lovingly and sweet, and not in any way pouty). I started to get up to go to bed. Then it started: “Don’t you know that NO means NO!!” I apologized immediately, (I know that tone and decibel all too well.) It was too late, the seemingly innocuous attempt to seduce my spouse led to her yelling, the reason she is in such pain is because of me!! It’s all my fault! I made her go on that ski trip when she told me she didn’t want to go; she wasn’t strong enough; she hadn’t “laid down” enough muscle even though she went to the gym (all of 4 times maybe!) She almost missed the bus and if others hadn’t come to her rescue…. She was scared to death of being left behind and lost. She only went on the trip to “please” me. Everything she does against her better judgement is because she is trying to “please” me. And she not going to do it any more!!! There was more, and then more repetitions of the same but you get the drift.
When the light bulb isn’t screwed in all the way, sometimes you get light, and sometimes you don’t; and sometimes you get flickering. She was flickering last night. There are flicks of truth in her rant, but not many. She never told me she didn’t want to go skiing in Italy. She did struggle one day to keep up and yes we had to catch a bus, but I was with her the whole time; they never would have left us; I never would have left her. She was tired from that day but still skied another full day that trip. I do believe she was very scared of getting lost. (this was Feb of 2013, early on in my suspicions.) That summer after is when she said she was going to the gym to get “stronger”. And I guess I’m just an insensitive, ungrateful, selfish SOB because I didn’t realize she did everything to only “please” me!
She is going thru some very difficult physical issues, some of which did begin with that fateful trip around the “Sella Ronda” (actual name, no pun intended!). She sees a massage therapist 2x week. I believe she is getting better but there has been more pain in the interim than anyone would want. I know she’s frustrated and angry. She can’t work because she can’t concentrate or focus because of the “pain”, (her words) and Oh, did I mention she’s angry! Her pretty slushy “slush” fund is almost dry; she doesn’t feel productive; (her self worth is wrapped in her accomplishments); I don’t listen!! and she’s not sure about us and our relationship. (At least this time she didn’t threaten to kick me out. Your spare bedrooms are safe for now!!!).
Big ASS sigh……(I think this means we’re never having intimate relations again! She’s certainly never skiing again!! ). I’m very sad. What’s a girl to do???!
7 thoughts on “The latest rant……”
With all the frustrations that your experiencing , I know no matter how mad she gets at you…she’s lucky your in her corner!
Hang in there…prayers for you and laura!
Thx. Need all the prayers offered up.
God does not gives us more than we can handle……but when does it ease up? There was a time that I prayed to be more patient a person. To be more compassionate a person. Then Alzheimer’s struck, not once, but twice, with both my parents. Then came opportunity for me to put into action all that I prayed for. It’s so hard to not take things personal, but you must know that LO loves you and this is not her, but rather the illness. Praying for Strength, Courage, Compassion, and Patience and Balance for you. Praying that LO feels Love, Safety and Comfort.
Boy, oh boy am I learning patience!! And believe me it dies come naturally. But I’m a quick study.
I’m so sorry! God bless you both.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Holding you in my thoughts and prayers. Intimacy may not be gone forever. Staying optimistic for you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like optimistic.